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What my students hear…

It’s that time of year.  If you are a teacher, you know what I mean.  It’s the time of year when you know EXACTLY how many days…maybe even hours…of school are left before summer break begins.  You know how many more times you have recess or lunch duty, how many more Mondays are left, and how many more times you have to see “that” class.  Your athletic shorts, tank tops, and flip flops are stacked and ready to go at home and you can’t wait to stop wearing makeup, forget what day of the week it is, and pee whenever the urge strikes. The kids are done.  We’re done.  Summer needs to just hurry up and get here….NOW.  To help you through the last few days of crazy, here’s a little teacher humor.  Enjoy!

What I actually say… What my students must hear…
Can someone run this to the office for me? Who would like to win the lottery and have your three deepest wishes granted by a genie?
You have 10 minutes to get started on your homework. Pack up and take a nap.
Get out your notes. Dig through your backpack for a pencil.  Take a moment to unwrap the month-old piece of gum you find while doing this and then take as much time as possible walking to the trashcan to throw the wrapper away.  Return to your seat to retrieve the pencil and go sharpen it – loudly. Stop by your friend’s desk on the way back to your seat and then spend 2-3 minutes attempting to zip or unzip the backpack.  Wait for me to prompt you again before actually getting out said notes.
Quiet, please! Please, take your time and finish up the conversation you are currently having.  I too am deeply concerned about what your bestie is wearing to the mall this weekend.
Today we’re going to watch a movie… I brought popcorn and the entire first season of Sponge Bob!
…it’s a documentary… I hate you all, and my mission in life is to kill your happiness.
Write this down. Write down the first word or two of these notes, preferably in highlighter, and then draw an incredibly detailed doodle of a monster truck.
Please don’t bounce the balls in the hall. Balls.  Hehe!
I was out for a district meeting yesterday. I was secretly skipping school to play video games and hang out at the park with my friends yesterday.
I have bus duty. Poop!
Turn your paper into the turn-in tray when you are finished. When you are finished, please come back to my desk and stick your paper in my face to double check that I do, indeed, still want you to turn your paper into the turn- in tray.  Just in case.
Sit down. Find the most ridiculous place to sit – the floor, a bookshelf, your best friend’s lap – and sit there.  Grin directly at me until I notice and point out that you should actually sit in your assigned seat. Act annoyed at my lack of clarity.
The test will be multiple choice. I love you and my only goal in life is to make you happy.
Line up at the door. Quick!  Form teams with your best friends and try to escape into the hall.  If anyone tries to get to the hall before you…shove them.
Be on your best behavior as we walk down the hall….We don’t want to disturb the other classes. We are now going to see how many of us can jump up and touch the top of the door frames in the hallway.  Bonus points if you stop to make weird faces at other classrooms as we pass.

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